I care, just in my own way!

Feeling a little morose tonight.  It’s been cold at work, despite the heating on, I came home early in quite a good mood, having had a fun weekend but as the evening drifted on then I felt the need to be a little introspective in this blog.  Actually it was a very femme weekend in some ways in that my two daughters came home, one came with my sister-in-law.  So for 24 hours, it was me (in male guise of course) + 4 other women.  I loved seeing everyone, it was lovely to have them here, but even as I see GG’s (genetic girls) I realise I am nothing like them.  In particular, I don’t communicate as a woman, never have and never will.  I know this shows just how little a woman I am, But it is quite clear that I am not a woman and never will be ~ even if I wanted to, which I don’t.

I listened to the girls all weekend and the way that they speak and while I dearly love all of them I realise I am not one of them.  Women have a way of talking.  I can listen well and join in.  But only up to a point.  I don’t want to make the big points about what separates the sexes, but I think it fairly obvious which sex that I am.

I guess I ought to be unhappy at this.  Well tonight, as I said I feel a little morose but overall it fits with where I see myself in the spectrum.  As a Tranny and not as a TS.  Essentially as a guy and not as a woman.  But a sensitive guy, I hope and feel.  I do have feelings and some feminine traits, but I find I can and do separate my two sides, even if I spend a lot of online as Tina, but in male mode, which is my closest to being androgynous.

A lot of girls find it difficult to have different personas, feeling they are who they are always and forever.  For this reason many girls like to underdress all or some of the time, if they are not able to fully dress because it makes them feel the way that they are.  I don’t do the ‘underdressing’ big time.  I’ve tried it, enjoyed it for a while and then hankered back to my male undies.  Now I do it only when I ‘feel’ that way.   Mostly, I love the ‘whole’ dressing up experience and feel that unless I can do it justice, full make-up, hair and dress or skirts and mostly heels or sometimes dressing down in jeans and a girly top, then why bother?  Unless as I can ‘present’ fully as female, it doesn’t give me what I need.

I’m not going to say that my feminine side is only when fully dressed.  I am not your typical male that wants or needs to go out ‘boozing with the lads’. I enjoy interacting with males or females but generally prefer the one-on-one  personal interaction that comes from discussion.  Although classified by many as argumentative, I find that is just me reacting to others mostly from when they criticise others. I don’t like to hear ‘bitching’ from women or by contrast the male ‘banter’ that seems to knock , knock, knock.  I feel that a lot of the time, I hold back from being like the people I speak to.  But then I criticise them for being like they are and that makes me the argumentative one.  Then, I’m accused of being your typical  MCP (male chauvinistic pig).  How does that fit with my two personas, my male self and my Tina self?

Well if I do argue, and I accept that I do, then I never bear grudges.  I find it fairly easy to forget.  I don’t feel the need to do the feminine thing of making things good by talking it through, at the time until it is settled, or at the first opportunity thereafter, but the again, I don’t take offence in aggressive form, or very often only on behalf of others.   I am also more likely to think that what was said in haste should best be forgotten. Perhaps I feel that I am being sufficiently ‘feminine’ or ‘submissive’ just by not making the small thing into a big thing.  But unless provoked.  If I stop before a discussion becomes an argument that is fine, but if I’m then castigated for being the way that I am or am told the way that I should act then I can react strongly and like many say things I regret.  Is this reaction any more male than female?

I read blogs from different sides of the TG spectrum but rarely find blog that consider the psychological aspects of the male and female or the TV v the TS.  Where are the blogs from the TS girls that talk about their feelings and interactions with others to the same extent that women feel the need to, especially with regard to contact with family;  do the TS girls spend all their time on the telephone or in girly groups talking about nothing in particular, yet at the same time being always aware of what needs to be organised, who needs to be cared for , taken care of?

Caring; it is a very easy thing to say that Women care more.  I care but just don’t seem to do it in the same way.

Easy to say of the sexes, one does one thing, one another and I know it isn’t true; everyone is different and there is a big spread of who does what.   But there are generalities, the ‘norm’,

For a lot of the time , I’m a  ‘laissez faire’ kind of person.  The one that thinks most things sort themselves out in the end; if they don’t then you do something about it, when it matters.  What is the point of talking something into the ground before it matters.  You end up making decisions far to early and then you have to change them.  Well I am someone who doesn’t like committing myself until it’s reached ‘that time’.  Decisions are so easy when you wait until you have all the information and then go for it.  With a bit of luck it avoids ‘saying one thing’ and ‘ending up doing something entire different’.

Everyone has a different personality but does being proactive rather than reactive (which I am) necessarily belong to either one of the sexes?  Am I any less of a guy because I am that way.  Am I any less feminine as a tranny because I behave that way. I don’t believe so.

I believe that you are the way you are because of the way that you were brought up and the way that you react to the different influences of your life. You establish principles in life and try to adhere to them.  You fail always but that is the nature of all of us.  It is possible that some of your make-up is ‘inbred’ , but mostly you make your own life and the way that you are by questioning your motives, and if you think they are good then you say, I am what I am, take me as you find me.

If I want to be a Tranny, then who is better than me to judge me.  I’m happy with it.  I am happy with what I choose do with my life.  If I was unhappy, then it is up to me to change it. I am a Tranny as part of my psyche.  It is not my only side, but I think on reflection as a good side.

Not my most positive post, but happy to get it out.  That’s what blogs are for.

Hugs

Tina x