TinaCortina's Blog

Musings of a Tgirl

Time for some introspection

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I’m a simple soul.  Well at least that is how I used to perceive myself.  But maybe I am two simple souls.  I am a Gemini, so I am allowed two personalities!  I have a tranny life and a non-tranny life ~ now we might call that a ‘drab’ life as I appreciate a bit of ‘double entendre’, but that would be unfair.

I don’t need a wildly exciting life.  I don’t need to be hugely successful.  I want an even ride. A quiet life, with the occasional excitement, built around a certain amount of routine.  I had a certain amount of ambition, but as I’ve got older I like my comfort zone

There is enough change in this life without pushing for it, so I find comfort in the things around me that are constant. Change and conflict are to me the things that induce pressures and stress and in my own quiet way, I can quite happily get along without pushing the boat out too often

I don’t like planning too much too far into the future; too many organised events hampers spontaneity. You might say, I was conservative with a small c, risk averse, happy for others to go to the forefront, take the risks, take command.  I don’t even like winning for the most part as that introduces it own pressures.  I’m quite happy to settle into obscurity, into the background..

And yet there is a part of me that does or at least did like to take risks, sometimes I even think I have taken them just for the hell of it.

In my teens and twenties, I remember passing my driving test and going straight out to see how fast the car went and almost losing it; or hitching alone around Europe for the thrill of what might happen next and happily getting into dangerous situations, that now as a parent, I would be scared stiff of, if I thought my kids were doing the same.

In my thirties and beyond, I discovering the thrill of skiing and especially going faster than my ability really should dictated.  Of going off-piste and enjoying the falls and the thrills of getting lost or almost falling over cliff edges.  Quite how I am in one piece, I really have no idea, but I guess I’m happy now to slow down a bit.

I guess my tranny life started in my teens.  Or at least that is when I took any positive steps. There was always a certain furtiveness about it, especially in the early days.  A feeling of risk, a feeling that I was doing something I shouldn’t.  A fear of being caught.

All those firsts.

  • The first time, trying any female clothing.
  • The feelings of different materials;
  • Of constriction or of wind beneath a skirt.
  • The first time sliding a foot into a shoe.  Walking in heels.
  • The first stockings or tights. The first time slipping into panties.
  • Walking downstairs in a skirt.
  • The first time out, a few hundred yards in darkness.
  • Trying on partner’s clothes.
  • Visits to tranny shops or tranny haunts.
  • The first purchases of magazines.
  • Trying on and buying a pair of high heels in a shop (en drab!)
  • The first wig purchase.
  • Wearing lingerie in bed.
  • The first time fully dressed.
  • The first full make-over.
  • Meeting others and making friends when dressed.
  • Going to pubs/ clubs en femme.
  • Going shopping en femme.
  • A weekend fully dressed.

All of the above has given me pleasure……and more specifically nervous pleasure, especially the first time.  Coming out to my wife was not especially planned, but there were circumstances that dictated that I was honest about myself.  It didn’t happen in one go and it was very much a situation of see what the reaction was and then take it a bit further.

It has been a journey of discovery encompassing most of a life.  I’ve not been in any hurry and have never felt the need to do more than I am doing.  Just a happy tranny discovering the joys of dressing and perhaps enjoying the odd risk along the way.

Mostly the risk of discovery.  In my cross-dressing life I have been happy taking calculated risks when I am the only one involved. I’ve never told friends nor told the kids.  If they had found out, then I would have tried to explain, but for the most part I’ve not felt a great need to tell all.  I am not ashamed of it, nor of myself.  I think most of what our community gets up to is pretty harmless.  Dressing makes me feel good.  I feel it gives rein to a side of my personality that originally I didn’t think was important, but I guess has become more important as time has gone on.

And as we all get older, strangely enough it has been a good way to make new friends, even if you can’t introduce them to everyone else.

In evaluating my feelings now about my dressing, I wonder if in part I have replaced some of my youthful verve and joie de vivre with the thrills of dressing as a woman of having a second life, a second personality but essentially the same person.

Two souls, merged into one.  A simple person.  Even a boring person. But enjoying flitting from one to the other.

Love & hugs TinaCortina x

August 30, 2009 Posted by | musings of a tgirl | , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments