It has been a long time since I blogged. Why? Quite honestly I haven’t felt the urge. In the first place it appeared to be the urge to blog, then the urge to dress ~ or it may have been the other way around.
It seems a little strange to give up something that you have been doing for 10 years, well I had been out to my wife and TG friends for 10 years, a period of gradual realisation of what I am and what I enjoyed; that I actually enjoyed the feminine side of myself. It built up to the extent of gradual acceptance by my wife, of regular social activities alone and with her, at home but also outside the home. Making genuine friends with the tgirl ‘scene’ and their partners.
I have spent many year enjoying this. I have immersed myself in all things cross-dressing. Bought clothes, got my wife on my side and swopped Xmas presents, made friends within the ‘girl’s of like minds, even girls (ie gg’s) of like minds, over the years. I enjoyed the blogging in my early years, I enjoyed the ‘support’ groups I found in the early years of the internet and the social life that it lead to, but I have never really embraced Facebook wholeheartedly let alone twitter.
And then, after all that, to do what? give it up for a short period of time, but then that short period of time builds on itself, like all ‘hobbies’ it is habit forming……… and if you stop dressing, then what happens, does the urge disappear? The urge to blog certainly appears to have diminished!!
What have I done Tina-wise over the last 12 months? I have probably refused more offers to dress than I have actually dressed. Maybe in 12 months I have dressed 10 times, if that. Am I prepared to give it up for ever?
Most ‘friends’ have given up on me or me on them. Friendship needs commitment. And I have found like everything else that unless you can commit to going out every Friday night, or once a month, say 1st Saturday as Transmission used to be, or was it 3rd Wednesday for the sadly missed Fabuliss, that you quickly lose touch. If they as I ‘needed persuading’ to go out then they have gone back into their shell just as I have done.
Or those that are left that really feel the need to get out there all the time, are most likely TS, I’m not saying all by any means but many and then if I don’t feel that need, what am I?
Have I changed, or am I just getting old and boring?
Many that have gone before before me, have had self doubts. I’m a man why am I dressing? Many have felt self loathing. Well I don’t feel that, but I do wonder whether I still feel the ‘need’, whether I will recapture the mood.
Amongst cross dressers as opposed to transsexuals, those that really see themselves as women, there is probably more self doubt. Why am I doing this? Most importantly am I enjoying this. Should I throw out all of my clothes? I mean I have a whole wardrobe in a spare room of a 5 bedroom house. My wife has even questioned whether Tina is to appear again. The funny thing is she is thinking about Christmas, I am thinking about the rest of my life.
As I did more of it, I took great pleasure in removing all body hair. Now it has all grown back. I don’t feel like dressing while I still have all this hair, though once I did. Now I think, occasionally I would like to go home early and dress. Then I think, well I don’t want to do it with all that body hair. But it takes more commitment and pre-planning to first take a couple of hours to remove it. And why am I not out shopping? visiting friends? or just socialising as Tina?
Well I have been busy work wise. And there have been other things that have gone by the wayside like my golf, but is that it?
Could it really be the case that I have found something to replace it, ie work? at a time when I should probably be winding down and thinking about retirement.
We all have aches and pains. But does that really put off the ardent cross-dresser? I know many girls at retirement age that take what they have a stage further….. has my cross-dressing just been a passing urge that has had its time and now passed me by.
I really don’t believe it. They do say it is a life-time passion. Somehow, I can’t believe I don’t want those heels and soft fabrics to flow around my shaved legs again, but who knows?
I wonder how many out there have ever felt as I?
Hugs TinaCortina xx