TinaCortina's Blog

Musings of a Tgirl

Time for some introspection

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I’m a simple soul.  Well at least that is how I used to perceive myself.  But maybe I am two simple souls.  I am a Gemini, so I am allowed two personalities!  I have a tranny life and a non-tranny life ~ now we might call that a ‘drab’ life as I appreciate a bit of ‘double entendre’, but that would be unfair.

I don’t need a wildly exciting life.  I don’t need to be hugely successful.  I want an even ride. A quiet life, with the occasional excitement, built around a certain amount of routine.  I had a certain amount of ambition, but as I’ve got older I like my comfort zone

There is enough change in this life without pushing for it, so I find comfort in the things around me that are constant. Change and conflict are to me the things that induce pressures and stress and in my own quiet way, I can quite happily get along without pushing the boat out too often

I don’t like planning too much too far into the future; too many organised events hampers spontaneity. You might say, I was conservative with a small c, risk averse, happy for others to go to the forefront, take the risks, take command.  I don’t even like winning for the most part as that introduces it own pressures.  I’m quite happy to settle into obscurity, into the background..

And yet there is a part of me that does or at least did like to take risks, sometimes I even think I have taken them just for the hell of it.

In my teens and twenties, I remember passing my driving test and going straight out to see how fast the car went and almost losing it; or hitching alone around Europe for the thrill of what might happen next and happily getting into dangerous situations, that now as a parent, I would be scared stiff of, if I thought my kids were doing the same.

In my thirties and beyond, I discovering the thrill of skiing and especially going faster than my ability really should dictated.  Of going off-piste and enjoying the falls and the thrills of getting lost or almost falling over cliff edges.  Quite how I am in one piece, I really have no idea, but I guess I’m happy now to slow down a bit.

I guess my tranny life started in my teens.  Or at least that is when I took any positive steps. There was always a certain furtiveness about it, especially in the early days.  A feeling of risk, a feeling that I was doing something I shouldn’t.  A fear of being caught.

All those firsts.

  • The first time, trying any female clothing.
  • The feelings of different materials;
  • Of constriction or of wind beneath a skirt.
  • The first time sliding a foot into a shoe.  Walking in heels.
  • The first stockings or tights. The first time slipping into panties.
  • Walking downstairs in a skirt.
  • The first time out, a few hundred yards in darkness.
  • Trying on partner’s clothes.
  • Visits to tranny shops or tranny haunts.
  • The first purchases of magazines.
  • Trying on and buying a pair of high heels in a shop (en drab!)
  • The first wig purchase.
  • Wearing lingerie in bed.
  • The first time fully dressed.
  • The first full make-over.
  • Meeting others and making friends when dressed.
  • Going to pubs/ clubs en femme.
  • Going shopping en femme.
  • A weekend fully dressed.

All of the above has given me pleasure……and more specifically nervous pleasure, especially the first time.  Coming out to my wife was not especially planned, but there were circumstances that dictated that I was honest about myself.  It didn’t happen in one go and it was very much a situation of see what the reaction was and then take it a bit further.

It has been a journey of discovery encompassing most of a life.  I’ve not been in any hurry and have never felt the need to do more than I am doing.  Just a happy tranny discovering the joys of dressing and perhaps enjoying the odd risk along the way.

Mostly the risk of discovery.  In my cross-dressing life I have been happy taking calculated risks when I am the only one involved. I’ve never told friends nor told the kids.  If they had found out, then I would have tried to explain, but for the most part I’ve not felt a great need to tell all.  I am not ashamed of it, nor of myself.  I think most of what our community gets up to is pretty harmless.  Dressing makes me feel good.  I feel it gives rein to a side of my personality that originally I didn’t think was important, but I guess has become more important as time has gone on.

And as we all get older, strangely enough it has been a good way to make new friends, even if you can’t introduce them to everyone else.

In evaluating my feelings now about my dressing, I wonder if in part I have replaced some of my youthful verve and joie de vivre with the thrills of dressing as a woman of having a second life, a second personality but essentially the same person.

Two souls, merged into one.  A simple person.  Even a boring person. But enjoying flitting from one to the other.

Love & hugs TinaCortina x

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August 30, 2009 - Posted by | musings of a tgirl | , , , , , , , ,

8 Comments »

  1. Hi, Tina,
    You seem to have settled in and feel comfortable with who you are and that’s great.
    But for some people, being a tgirl is as risky as falling off that cliff you referred to; if they get found out, their whole life will fall apart – job loss, marriage, kids, etc.
    And for others, it is a chance to craft an alter-ego whose personality is all the repressed aspects of the original let loose.
    I think you and I do share the view that the friends we have been able to make through this activity has been a great bonus in our lives.

    Comment by cdjanie | September 2, 2009 | Reply

  2. Hi Janie
    I guess it might seem comfortable in that I have done many things and am now happy to be Tina in the context of my wife when invited, and I do get the chance to go out and about. But there are still risks.

    My wife would be extrememly upset if any of the family, kids or parents found out and not too happy if I ‘came out’ to friends or neighbours’. Maybe we would work around it, but it could cause major havoc to the life we have built. I am comfortable with that. There is no great NEED to tell people and they may find it difficult to deal with.

    But I was tryihng to say that in some ways it is the risk that has contributed to me wanting to dress, or at least in getting it to the level where I want to go out etc….. the nervous energy/ the buzz.

    I don’t know how many others are like that.

    I accept that the TS perhaps feels differently, but I rather enjoy the adrenaline rush. At the same time, I’ve done most of what I want to achieve so accept that there will be less new things to try!

    Thanks for visiting, and for leaving a comment

    Hugs

    Tina xx

    Comment by TinaCortina | September 2, 2009 | Reply

  3. I can definitely relate to the nervous excitement you have written about here. I have experienced that so much in my tranny life. Excellent writing, a great read 🙂

    Jessica

    Comment by Jessica De Leon | September 2, 2009 | Reply

    • Hi Jessica

      Thanks for visiting; I am so enjoying your writing too and have linked to you on my blogroll.

      CD janie too, lol.

      Hugs to you both

      TinaCortina xx

      Comment by TinaCortina | September 2, 2009 | Reply

  4. Wow… it’s so great to see that you have found your place in your life and feel comfortable. I loved your list of first…it’s so touching and real. One comment stood out to me…

    “I wonder if in part I have replaced some of my youthful verve and joie de vivre with the thrills of dressing as a woman of having a second life, a second personality but essentially the same person.”

    Bravo.

    Comment by The Femininity Coach | September 16, 2009 | Reply

  5. Hi Tina,

    I was catching up on your comments – comments can be as interesting as the blogs too – and Jessica’s and The Femininity Coach’s echo my thoughts too – or should that be – I echo their’s as they got in first? – LoL. I would so adore to have a list of firsts like yours.

    Hugs Anna

    Comment by Anna Arendt | October 1, 2009 | Reply

  6. Hi Anna

    Thanks for the comment. I am sure you do have a list of firsts but of course they will be a little different. I guess am lucky that I have a supportive partner that while not actively encouraging me to be out there, recognises that it is something I want to do and would not be the person I am unless I did them. While she wasn’t aware of many of the firsts, she has been a large part of the others and for that I am eternally grateful.

    Cheers

    Tina x

    Comment by TinaCortina | October 12, 2009 | Reply

  7. You are correct, I do have some ‘firsts’ in my tgirl life, and the latest has led me to reread your post. Today I’m over-awed with every line you wrote, all the hidden, joyous, fantastic, and sometimes, liberating emotions that you haven’t actually put into words, but are there, behind your words. I’ve recently experimented with eye shadow, and it was amazing, put me on a high, eurphoria filling my brain – just wow, and it’s allowed me to feel echoes in your blog. I don’t know entirely how it’s happening, or how the rapport has been turned on, but the empathy for your situation is very strong.

    Like you with your situation, I don’t have a problem with mine – I’ve happily accepted my new condition – and like you, I have parameters, – unfortuneately, mine are bodages – LoL.

    Hugs, Anna x

    Comment by Anna Arendt | October 22, 2009 | Reply


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